Last week I wrote about remember my mom, who passed away eleven years ago.
Thirteen years ago today, Katherine Diane (K.D.), passed from this world into the next. For Heather and I, it was the darkest day of our lives. The depth of the sorrow we experienced that day is truly beyond words.
As I consider that day, I am reminded of the last moments of K.D.’s life. She was in her hospital bed, tubes and wires all over her body. Dozens of machines lining a wall behind her tiny head. Heather stood on one side, holding her hand. I stood on the opposite side, playing with her tiny fingers. A few friends stood there with us as we watched a nurse turn off the machines that were keeping her alive. As the machines went silent, we began to sing.
Jesus loves me, this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong.
They are weak but He is strong.
Her chest rose and fell with each breath. And then, it simply stopped. It seemed like the world paused. The nurse had pulled a curtain across our area to give us privacy, and yet it seemed like the entire neonatal ICU had gone silent for that brief second as K.D. breathed her final breath.
Those of us who stood there will later suggest that we felt Heaven open up. For a brief second, the place was overwhelmingly peaceful. God was in the room. And, K.D. went home with him.
In the thirteen years since that day, people have often asked me how I know that God is real. How is it that I can believe so strongly in my heart that Heaven is real. I can’t do nothing but simply point to that day. The day Heaven opened up, and God said to Heather and I, “Trust me.”
We have done just that. Oh, there are days we grieve. I wonder what K.D. would be like as a teenager. I try to picture what her personality would have been like. In the seven months that she was alive, we had begun to get a little taste of what she was like, but her personality was still developing.
Many of you reading these words have gone through grief. You’ve lost loved ones. You wonder if there’s any point to it. You feel the pain every day. I know what you are going through.
For me, God has been my source of strength and peace. He has given me hope that one day I will see my baby again. As I continue on this journey called life, K.D., along with my mom, dance together on streets of gold, enjoying a place void of pain and heartache. They smile and they wait, ready to welcome me home one day.
I love you, my baby girl.
January 24th, 2010 at 9:36 am
Made me cry, but glad you can take comfort that she is with our Jesus.
January 24th, 2010 at 9:44 am
Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be, that your GOD had allowed you to quicken in me. We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy, and we thought about names for a girl or a boy. I cried tears as I thought of the things that we would do, all the things that your Daddy would pass on to you. And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown, as I pondered the day you’d make yourself known. Then, to think of the world you must enter brought fears. Once again, little loved one, your Mother cried tears.
Something’s wrong, I can tell – once again there are tears, and I’ll not get the chance of your love through the years. Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain, and again, yes again, my tears fell like rain. Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there, gently rocking with FATHER in His favorite chair. Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm and His SON softly singing to help keep you calm. Our FATHER knew you days before they came to be, and He knew, little one, you would not stay with me. So, I cry but I know that when this life is done, I will greet and embrace you my little sweet one. There’s a time to be born and a time to die, and the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!
Mommy loves you my little Princess
January 24th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Wow, Rob I’m sorry for that pain. I know that the sting of death doesn’t just last that one day, it actually remains in different degrees throughout the rest of ur own life. I think the reason that death is so hard is bcuz it creates a saddness and pain that is lasting. It doesn’t just last while the innitial wound is healing…its a causim that we find ourselves slipping in and out of. Sometimes I suppose we survive by keeping our head above the edge…but during other times we slip & sink deeper within it. Ur lucky, ur heart and faith were open enuf to feel God on that day. I admire ur strength…Heathers too. I fear this very thing above all other things. <3 ~Vixyn~
January 24th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
I have been down that road myself, my Jenna would have been ten last year. The three months that we had where marvelous. Ten years later I have some discussion with the big guy upstairs. Let’s put it this way we dont get along. I like him just we have unresolved issues.
To any father out their that have been throught loosing a child remember look up a sunny day somebody is smiling at you. When riding your bike you always have a angel that can fly faster than you… I let her win
January 24th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
Crazy Frog: i hear ya. Any parent would need to discuss this stuff with the Big Guy. And yes, sometimes there are disagreements. All I can say is keep the line open in case either of you wants to continue to discussion. Who knows, down the road, you might be surprised at what can be learned
Vix: thanks for the thoughts
Mary: thank you also.
Heather: I love that poem, perfect on our wall!
January 24th, 2010 at 8:08 pm
Scary to all that read this me me again….
After I wrote my comment my wife tell me that he cousin just had her baby and baby is in critical condition in NICU.
Pls send prayer for little one in Foothill hospital in Calgary and all little one out there that need a
Alright big guy we need to chat tonight… Hopefully we have stars out there so when we talk I wont slip on the ice
January 25th, 2010 at 3:33 am
Hi Rob & Heather
your little girl must have been so special that God wanted her back home so soon my heart tears and prayers are with you both. It is because of God that any of us can bear anything like this I also lost a baby 21 years ago Keep looking up to God
God Bless
Debbie
January 25th, 2010 at 11:11 am
While I never met K.D. I grieved for her and still remember her when I look at the quilt that was once hers and now belongs to Sophia. The day you gave that to me was so special. She was fortunate to have been born into your family and I personally can’t wait to meet her someday…
Love you guys so much.. more than you know!!
January 25th, 2010 at 11:24 am
Thanks for sharing with us Rob. May you continue to have God’s grace on yo to strengthen and empower you. God is faithful. “What a day that will be…” Blessings in your ministry
January 25th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
I am sitting here at work on my lunch hour reading this and it brought tears to my eyes. I know that there is no better place to be than in Heaven with God but the thought of losing one of my girls breaks my heart. It hurts that people have to lose their loves. God Bless you.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Hey Rob and Heather;
My heart aches for you.
It can be a struggle from day to day if we let it be that way.
Losing someone so tiny and so innocent, seems like you will never get over the initial pain of it. I can recall clearly as well, because I lost a baby 21 years ago.
Somehow, we know that God is looking over us and with prayer and the strength that comes from knowing God, we know that our day will come when we will meet our loved ones again.
Until then, we will do God’s work and share our knowledge with others to help soften the pain and let them know they are not alone.
Blessings…..Bikerbunny xo
January 25th, 2010 at 7:00 pm
Dear Rob and Heather,
I don’t know either of you and have not been to your church…but through friends who attend Life Centre in Ottawa, I came to sign up for your daily devotional and have enjoyed it for the better part of a year. I wanted to recommend a book called Revealing Heaven by Kat Kerr. It is her eye witness account of Heaven…and of the redeemed who are there. If you are no stranger to prophetic intercession, then you will be encouraged by this book. And…thank you for living for the Lord…for His glory! You are an inspiration.
January 25th, 2010 at 7:16 pm
What a very touching post. And Heather posted such a beautiful and meaningful poem. My love goes to the both of you. Such strong people to have endured such a loss and have remained strong in your faith and comfort in God. You both are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing…
January 25th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
I remember when my brother lost his son at only 1 day. I felt guilty because we had been blessed with 4 healthy children and he couldn’t keep one. Only a few years before we had lost our grandmother just shy of her 99th birthday. So I’ve seen them go at both ends of the spectrum. Our time here is gift from God, whether it’s 1 day or 30,000 days. What we do with that time is our gift to God. Your daughter’s and my nephew’s gift was to remind us of that. They will forever be our little angels in heaven, watching out for us and will be there to greet us when our time comes. Until then our work continues…
January 25th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Rob and Heather…..
Can’t believe it has been that long. Remembering the drive to Deseronto. Ariiving and being welcomed into this family that we had never met before and yet, feeling like we had known each other all our lives. Our lives changed too that day as we shared the pain with very special friends. Time and distance has not changed any of it. Colleen and I love you both and are thinking and praying for you during this time….
January 26th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Rob & Heather,
It never ceases to amaze me how much (or how little) we are aware of what happens to our friends even those who are in close proximity. I was totally unaware that this had happened in your life.
I have always admired your faith, even in college. I guess we have all had faith testing times, though mine certainly don’t compare with yours, I like you, have learned to trust God.
Christine and I will remember you at this time of the year.
Much love and many blessings,
Wayne